


Where Do Babies Come From? (no seriously, where did Garp get this kid?)

by Gerbilfriend



Series: Attempts at Navigation [2]
Category: One Piece
Genre: (also sort of), (sort of), (which is worse than god if you ask some Dadan Bandits, Accidental Baby Acquisition, Drabble Collection, Garp does not), Gen, Self-Insert, at least god stays away if you pray enough, child by act of Garp, outside pov
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-22
Updated: 2019-05-11
Packaged: 2020-01-24 00:42:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 2,828
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18560449
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gerbilfriend/pseuds/Gerbilfriend
Summary: The Dadan Bandits try and figure out what to do with The Baby. And why Garp gave them a baby? And do babies always act this way? Just Babies. Why?(Children are complicated too)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [booksandbrownies](https://archiveofourown.org/users/booksandbrownies/gifts).



> In BfBS I asked for Bandit headcanons for why Garp gave them Ann. booksandbrownies made me laugh and I felt like writing this, if any of you have idea's I am still taking them!

Grant stares at The Baby.

 

The Baby stares back at him, watching him.

 

He shifts to the left.

 

She turns her head.

 

He shifts to the right.

 

She turns her head.

 

How old is this kid again?

 

“Do kids do that?”. 

 

Dylan shrugged, “she’s your job for the day”.  _ Jerk. Just wait till it’s your turn,  _ he thought vengefully. 

 

They returned to staring at The Baby. 

 

“Should we play with her?”, Ken had said something like that- he would know.

 

“Do you know how?”.

 

He tried to pick her up. The Baby flailed, smacking him.

 

Grant pulled back, dropping her back in the box (should babies even have boxes- he didn’t know that either). He glared at the demon rubbing the sore spot. Brat had a good right hook.

 

Dylan was laughing, the bastard. “You try and take care of her”, Grant snapped. 

 

They both returned to staring at the baby. 

 

“Whose idea was it to give us a baby in the first place?”. They said that at the same time. 

 

“It was Garp, right?”. Grant asked, he had been out on a raid and when he got back there was a baby and Boss had said no more raiding- they had to hunt other bandits instead. Which they could do- it had actually been a pretty profitable month. And that town liked them more- that was nice

 

That had been a weird week.  

 

“Lets ask Ken”.

 

The Baby just stared. She reach out, faster than he could flinch back. 

 

“Pretty colors”. It poked his cheek

 

It was agreed. Maybe Ken would know what was up.

  
  



	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I have most of this written so updates will likely be dailyish and it will go up to around chapter 23-24 in BfBS. Also BfBS has now made it to 100 subscribers. :D

Ken just shrugged.

 

They stared at The Baby as they sat around the base. Sometime’s Ken wondered why the main shack was so dirty- then he remembered who lived here all the time and stopped wondering. 

 

The Baby started to cry. 

 

Thankfully it was Dogra’s turn to feed it. 

 

It was rather funny to watch him jiggle the brat, they could hear him humming, “here you go little demon”, under his breath.  

 

It was even funny to watch him try and keep up with the Demon’s demand for food.

 

At least until they were conscripted into helping. 

 

Then it was less fun.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Oh Ken, thou are so naive

“She’s so creepy”, Dylan complained after being in charge of the demon brat for the day. “Do all two year olds talk in full sentences?”.

 

“Heck if I know”, Grant said. 

 

“Well were won’t be based here for a bit- it's not our worry. Besides she will probably be gone when we get back”.

 

“True”, Ken agreed.  _ Who would be dumb enough to leave a baby with bandits long term? _


	4. Chapter 4

The Baby was with them long term. Ken had waited for Garp to realize that kids did not go with bandits but her third year with them had passed. 

 

The Baby had grown quite a bit. Really, she wasn’t really The Baby any more.

 

She was four now. Mobile and talking and scarily strong. 

 

_ Did all four year olds act like this? _ He wondered as he watched the demon listen to Magra about something or other.

 

What kind of demon was this kid?


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Please note none of the traditions are quite accurate. Being bandits in one piece does not lead to a complete understanding of mythology.

She had made it back. Dylan was impressed. Garp (the crazy bastard) had dumped a four year old in the woods of Mt. Colublo and she had made it back.

 

With extra food. 

 

That they were now eating. 

 

Because apparently four year olds could hunt? 

 

“Do you think she’s an Oni?”, Grant asked idly. 

 

Dylan blinked. Ann was hungry all the time, scary strong, eerily smart and they did call her demon. 

 

_ Maybe?  _ “How do we tell?”.

 

“Soybeans I think”, Ken said, screwing up his face like he did when he was trying to think.

 

“Soybeans?”. 

 

“Yeah, you throw them and tell the oni to leave- it only works in February so we should do it soon”. 

 

“Okay”.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ann was just feeling mischievous that day- she also did not like getting soy beaned- waste of food. So she ate his instead (she has no idea this is going on)

So Ann was not an Oni. 

 

That was the first thing they learned. They also learned that she was also rather unimpressed when Grant had tripped over her with roast soybeans, muttering the phrase all the while. 

 

She had walked right in the house, ignoring the odd chanting.

 

Poor Grant. 

 

Finally, they learned that roast soybeans taste very good in soup.

 

Except for Grant. The demon brat made him watch. 

 

Dylan was pretty sure she knew it was not an accident.

 

It was something about the way she looked at them as she ate her soup. At least a gallon of it.

 

He made a note to talk to a broker about other types of demons.


	7. Chapter 7

“All I’m saying is that I’ve never seen a child as smart as her”, Ken said as they watched the brat leave to hunt, the knife almost a sword at her side.

 

Dylan ignored Ken, marveling at the fact that he wasn’t at all worried about a four year old going off into the woods with a knife.

 

Not that he would worry ever. He had better things to think about than brats. Still. “How can you tell?”.

 

“Do you think normal kids talk like her?”.

 

“I mean she does sound kinda funny sometimes”.

 

Dylan shrugged at that, he wasn’t really sure what kids were like. So what, they didn’t have to change her diapers anymore. It didn’t bother him.

 

And if she could bring back more food that worked for him as well. 

 

It was practical.  

 

Still. “What are kids normally like?”. 


	8. Chapter 8

None of them were dumb enough to ask Garp when he came by again. 

 

It wasn’t worth it.

 

When Garp came around they did the smart thing and hid. Really, it only added to the monster tally that Ann would come out and greet him.

 

Why did he have to show up twice this year? They had only just fixed the wall from the New Year's visit.


	9. Chapter 9

“So she doesn’t have another mouth”, Grant observed as they watched her get up with freshly shorn hair- they had wondered when they had seen how much had eaten.

 

That was one theory down. He made a note to go talk to the broker in Edge Town again next time they were there checking on the town bandits. He knew a lot about weird things. And normal things- like the power balance in Gery Terminal.

 

Last he heard there was someone gunning to be the new Bandit King of Dawn Island. Red Preserves or something like that, it didn’t matter. Who ever he was, he wouldn’t hold up to the boss. Grant pushed that thought aside, focusing on the more important thing.

 

“Why do we call her a demon? Do you remember who started it?”, Dylan asked. 

 

“Maybe it was Dadan, I don’t know- it's just what we call her. Demon brat”. Grant replied. 

 

“Do you think it bugs her?”, that was Ken, thinking with his heart. 

 

Grant shrugged, “doubt it. Just washes off her back like everything else. Stubborn brat”. 

 

There was no affection in his tone.

 

None at all. 


	10. Chapter 10

“All children are terrors. Ann was raised by us so she is just more open about it than most”, Yumi said, glancing around to make sure Ann wasn’t there.

 

Vaguely, Ken wondered if that was pride in Yumi’s voice.

 

He had asked Yumi in a wild hope that maybe a women might know better.  

 

“So you really think that Ann is just a normal kid?”, Ken said wearily. He was starting to get tired of this. He was pretty sure Ann was not a demon at this point. 

 

At least he did not want to get stuck with more tests.

 

Yumi just shrugged. “How should I know, I ran off’fore someone would stick me with a brat on purpose. Personally I think she's pretty normal. Remember what she did when Dai got her book dirty- that was a demon brat move or when she didn’t let Grant eat her soup after spilled the beans on her. Brats are brats if you ask me”.


	11. Chapter 11

Akane was not better. “I think she’s cute. Did you see how fast she learned to sharpen her knife”, she cooed, mouth turning into an almost gentle smile. “That’s a sign of a good kid”. Akane had been a pirate that had joined after they destroyed her ship.

 

It was good to see some pirates had sense. Even if they didn’t know monster children.

 

She probably had a twisted idea of the world. At least, Ken thought that was likely. 

 

So apparently women did not know more than men about strange brats. Ken would have to ask elsewhere. 

 

Although, Ken did have to admit the sight of Ann carefully running the dagger up and down the whetstone while standing on the stool Magra had carved for her was very cute.

 

Not that it mattered or anything


	12. Chapter 12

“So I talked to the information guy and he said it could be she’s eaten a devils fruit”.

 

“Aren't those just myths”, Grant asked. He had to admit, Ann really wasn’t demon material. They did need a new approach. 

 

“Nah, that clown guy who was in the news bit ago, Buggsy or something like that- he has one. Could be Ann has that- far as either of us knew there are no emotion sensing demons”.

 

“How do we test for that?”, Ken asked idly as he whittled down a piece of wood. He seemed kind of nervous.  _ Funny, he wasn’t the one who did the last test. Why should he be afraid? _

 

Dylan shrugged as he pulled out a dagger. Part of Grant noticed the blood crusted on it.  _ Had Dylan been jumped while in the Terminal?  _ The rest of him focused on Dylan’s reply. “Apparently they go limp in water,  the younger the quicker”.

 

“Broker say anything else?”, Grant asked. He really didn’t want to be the one who had to get Ann wet. That did not sound fun.  _ Could she even swim? _

 

“Nah. He won’t be saying anything anymore. We’ll have to find a new guy”, Dylan said as he slipped the knife away. 

 

“Did he try and jump you?”. Grant looked Dylan up and down- he didn’t look like he had been attacked.

 

“He gave me a price”, Dylan said darkly. 

 

_ Oh.  _

 

“Good choice”, Ken said. 

 

“True”, Grant echoed, they would just have to find a new source of knowledge. 


	13. Chapter 13

“Do you guys really want to watch me bathe”, Ann asked, raising an eyebrow. 

 

“no “, Dylan stuttered, “we just wanted to help because you do so much for us”.

 

“Exactly”, Grant tried to back him up.

 

Ken had gotten the bath salts but had begged out of the rest- he had better sense then to get near Ann after the River Dunking incident. 

 

He did have a point. 

 

Grant started running. 

 

Dylan followed. He was pretty sure that she wasn’t a fruit eater. Or maybe he was just saying that cause he didn’t feel like taking a bath.

 

He had already taken his weekly bath thank you very much.

 


	14. Chapter 14

“So why did you guys want to see Ann bathe”, Dogra asked idly as they tracked the newest group. 

 

“We were just-” Ken started before stumbling slightly.

 

“Trying to see if she ate a devils fruit”. Grant finished.  

 

“And that needed bath salts”.

 

“We weren’t sure if it was salt or fresh. We had tried the river but that didn’t bug the brat so we needed to see. It was logical”, Dylan tried to explain.

 

“Logical”. 

 

Dogra did not seem happy. 

 

Uh-oh.

 

Once they were safely away from the second in command they reconvined for a council.

 

“So no devil’s fruit”, Ken asked hopefully. 

 

“Lets go with that”, Grant agreed.

 

“So what does that leave us”,  _ If she wasn’t a demon and she wasn’t a devil’s fruit eater, maybe I shouldn't have killed the broker,  _  Dylan pictured the brokers greed when he named prices,  _ nah, made the right choice.  _

 

It was obviously because having a broker like that was unreliable. There was no use if they gave your information to other people. No other reason.

 

“We could just ask Dadan”.

 

They looked at each other.

 

“Lets not”, Grant said. 

 

“Magra it is”, Dylan confirmed.


	15. Chapter 15

“So why did you guys want to see Ann bathe”, Dogra asked idly as they tracked the newest group. 

 

“We were just-” Ken started before stumbling slightly.

 

“Trying to see if she ate a devils fruit”. Grant finished.  

 

“And that needed bath salts”.

 

“We weren’t sure if it was salt or fresh. We had tried the river but that didn’t bug the brat so we needed to see. It was logical”, Dylan tried to explain.

 

“Logical”. 

 

Dogra did not seem happy. 

 

Uh-oh.

 

Once they were safely away from the second in command they reconvined for a council.

 

“So no devil’s fruit”, Ken asked hopefully. 

 

“Lets go with that”, Grant agreed.

 

“So what does that leave us”,  _ If she wasn’t a demon and she wasn’t a devil’s fruit eater, maybe I shouldn't have killed the broker,  _  Dylan pictured the brokers greed when he named prices,  _ nah, made the right choice.  _

 

It was obviously because having a broker like that was unreliable. There was no use if they gave your information to other people. No other reason.

 

“We could just ask Dadan”.

 

They looked at each other.

 

“Lets not”, Grant said. 

 

“Magra it is”, Dylan confirmed.


	16. Chapter 16

Magra pointed out that Ann had been bathing, unattended, since she was ten months old. 

 

That was the final, final nail in the box for that theory. 

 

“I got soaked for no reason”. The pure misery in Ken’s voice was rather amusing.

 

“And I wasted all my money on bath salts”. There was Dylan, looking almost wilted. That was funny to. Grant tried not to laugh at the duo.

 

He failed.

 

The back of his neck prickled. Grant looked up.

 

He started running. Behind him he could hear the others yelling.

 

He was not dealing with that.

 

They were the suckers- not him.


	17. Chapter 17

“She could be an experiment, like some sort of weird robot or something”, Dylan offered.

 

“Have you been looking into a new broker?”, Ken asked, interested despite his own volition. 

 

“A little. This one’s heard some weird stuff from the Grand Line”.

 

“You haven't mentioned Ann to him, right?”, Grant checked.

 

“Nah”. It would be a pain to find a new broker, besides, this one seemed better than the last, if not a little outlandish. 

 

Less skevy.

 

“How do we test for that?”, Ken exclaimed. Dylan could hear the annoyance in his voice. 

 

“We watch and wait”. 

 

Dylan had to admit. He was glad they were done with testing, one mistake had been enough for him.

 

Brat was learning way to much from them. He pointedly ignored the feelings of pride that gave him.


	18. Chapter 18

“You know”, Dogra drawled, lifting one eyebrow. They shrunk back from the brow- it was impressive. “Ann is Garp’s grandchild. It could just be that”.

 

Ken felt nausea rising up in him. “But for her to be his grandchild then-”. Nope, nope, he was not thinking about that.

 

He was definitely not thinking about that either.

 

He was glad that the others shared him pain.

 

Dogra patted his knee, looking stangly like Ann did when she patted someone. “Best not to think about it”, he advised. “Garp might be tempted to explain”.

 

That was a good reason. 

 

He really did not need that image in his head.

 

“Let’s never speak of this again”, Dylan said. He still looked faintly green.

 

“Deal”.


	19. Chapter 19

Then Ann was small and quiet in bed, curled up and not moving.

 

“I think she’s just a kid”, Ken said, heartbreak in his voice. Grant was tempted to hug him, maybe he would... Not now through. Now wasn’t the right time. “Maybe she’s Garp’s grandkid  or something but-”, he trailed off.

 

Grant got what he meant. She looked so small like that, there was nothing experimental about her.

 

They shared a look. Grant knew they were putting that theory to rest.

 

“Does it really matter?”, Dylan asked.

 

“No, she’s a Dadan Bandit now- same as any of us”. Grant said surely. 

 

He was right, demon, weird fruit, experiment or, awkward ancestry Ann was Ann. 

 

_ Oh damn I actually care about the brat.  _

 

Ken still looked curious. Vaguely Grant wondered why Dylan was the one who did the most intelligence work.

 

That was more interesting than actually thinking about his most recent revelation.


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the first time I have ever finished a story. I know it is just a quick one but I am still really proud? I actually did it! :DDDDD

Ann was not an experiment.

 

Even if Ken still enjoyed coming out with outlandish ideas for who her parents were. 

 

Grant was really tired of having those images in his head. 

 

He spied Ann watching them from her corner and elbowed Ken to stop talking. 

 

Ann looked- confused. 

 

“It doesn’t really matter where this kid come from, she’s one of us now”. Dylan said as Ann turned the corner.

 

“True”. 

 

Grant tried to hide his relief that Ken agreed- he was really tired of the pictures in his head. 

 

Seeing Garp in real life was enough. 

 

Finally it was agreed. They had no more interest in knowing where Garp’s babies came from.


End file.
